My Way . . . Or No Way

I have recently become fascinated by the number of people who believe that the world revolves around them.

I’m all for encouraging others to feel good about themselves, and I don’t disagree with trying to engender positivity. I like the concept of helping everyone to build self-esteem.

Yet it seems to me that the current “accept everything” model, together with the idea that it’s not right (not acceptable in a world that accepts everything?) to tell a child that they are in the wrong, is building a world full of selfish entitlement. It’s my way, or no way.

For example, you make arrangements to catch a specific train. That requires you to leave the house by a specific time so as to get to the station on time. Yet the attitude seems to be, “Well the train will just have to wait for me!”

I’m sorry, but when did your entitlement to be late overrule everyone else’s entitlement to be punctual?

Interestingly, such people will often make a major issue over your relaxed arrangements. This is a wonderful experience to behold.

“What time are we leaving?”

“After breakfast.”

“So what time is that?”

“Between 9.00 and 10.00.”

“Can’t you be more specific?”

“Not really. It depends on how long it takes everyone to get ready. But as long as we leave by 10.00 we’ll be fine.”

“So 10.00, then.”

“No. Between 9.00 and 10.00; when we are all ready. But definitely before 10.00 so that we miss the traffic.”

Then the fun starts. Breakfast over, you say:

“Is everyone ready to leave, then?”

“No. I have to get dressed”

“Go on, then. But don’t take too long. You have 15 minutes.”

Twenty minutes later, at 10.05 you go to check.

“Not dressed, yet? We’re going to be late and we’ll get caught in the traffic and miss the train.”

“Well, they’ll just have to wait for me, won’t they. You’ll just have to drive faster.”

And this person who was simply going to die unless you gave them a specific time now holds everything up, expecting everyone else’s life to revolve around him. (Or her.)

It’s one of the hazards of shielding children from the consequences of their actions, or covering for them, getting them out of trouble. They grow up feeling that they are the most important person in the world, and that leads to the same attitude as they age.

The reality is that we are not the most important persons in the world. The only way to be special is to treat everyone else as more special than you. But when we shield people, including children, from the consequences of their actions, we develop a thankless, heartless, entitled generation.

Next time you come across this attitude, whether in yourself or others, resolve, not to shield the perpetrator from the consequences, but to enforce those consequences with all your might. (As long as it’s safe to do so, of course!)

“Yes. I know you wanted to go to the park. And I know I said that we would go as soon as you’re dressed. But, look. The park gates are locked for the night because you took so long to get dressed.”

Be prepared, however, to suffer your own consequences:

“Well if you had told me to get dressed earlier we wouldn’t have been late!”

I know. It seems like you can’t win. But do this enough times and the message will start getting through.

Respect and dignity require mutual consideration, not insistence on our rights, regardless of the consequences to other people.

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Losing Mum – Again

Can there be anything worse for a child than to lose his or her mother? That person who should bond with you, gone from your life, whether by accident or design or sheer selfishness.

For a neglected child, losing the neglectful mother is harsh. She wants a relationship that will last forever, and that will comfort and support her. However, not only did her birth mother remain aloof and oblivious to her and her brother’s needs, but then she and her brother were snatched away from their mother and put in someone else’s care.

And learned to form an attachment to new mum; a mum who did care and who did love her; a mum she could love and trust in return. A mum that helped her and her brother overcome their feelings of abandonment.

And then new mum went to see the doctor. And new mum had to go into hospital.

But new mum never came home, and never will.

And a few days later, she and her brother have to say goodbye to another mum. A mum they could trust and love. Because they knew that she loved them. And they will stand by his side, holding hands with new dad, and crying together.

And death is the ultimate abandonment, with no going back.

And recovery from abandonment has to begin again. But this time, with no new mum to turn to.

Only new dad. And new dad is just as sad. But she knows, and her brother knows, that new dad loves them. And new dad will try to be their new mum, too.

Mindful Lying

One of the big developments in mental health care is the adoption of mindfulness techniques to help people overcome their past and to evoke feelings of wellbeing. The idea is that we live in the present; not the past, not the future, but the present. We don’t have to worry about most of what happened yesterday, and we don’t have to worry about what might happen tomorrow. Even this morning’s or this evening’s events are unimportant as of this afternoon.

Sufficient for each day

There’s nothing wrong with that concept. I don’t often quote religious literature, but even Jesus pointed out that we need not be anxious about what tomorrow will bring. Sufficient for each day is its own badness.

The fact is that the past has passed. It’s gone. Yesterday’s pain has left us. Sure, we still have pain, today, but it’s today’s pain. It may even have been caused by something that happened yesterday; but it is still today’s pain. And tomorrow, maybe the pain will be gone. We don’t know.

That’s mindfulness.

The plans of the diligent one 

Having said that, of course, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t plan for the future. After all, how many people are over their heads in debt because they spent tomorrow’s money on today’s luxuries.

We need to plan, budget, schedule, do whatever it takes to have some level of organisation in our lives. That’s what makes us dependable, valuable members of society. People get to know that they can rely on us.

That, too, is mindfulness.

Letting go of the past 

Another aspect of this practise is the need to let go of the past. Ah! Herein lies a small problem.

Rightly, mindfulness embraces the concept of the past being in the past. So, if our parents made mistakes in our upbringing, that’s in the past and it’s up to us to change the future. If someone treated us badly, that’s in the past and it’s up to us to change the future. Even if we were treated exceptionally well, that’s in the past and the future is in our hands.

So far, so good. That’s all mindfulness.

Acceptance

All of this is based on the mindfulness concept of acceptance.

What a great concept. It means that we accept what has happened without judgement, we let it go, and we move on. We dictate the course of our own future.

We also accept, without judgement, the choices that other people make and we let them get on with their own lives while we get on with ours.

We even accept, without judgement, the mistakes that our parents made when raising us. After all, there is no trial run for parenthood. No matter how many children you have, each one is unique.  Accept, too, that most parents, even the worst of them, believe that their actions were in the best interests of their children. Maybe the parents got it horribly wrong. But relatively very few parents actually set out to harm their children in any way. How often has a father, accused of physically abusing his child, claimed that he really believed it was reasonable chastisement? That he was only doing what his father has done to him? That he believed it was in the child’s best interests? I’m not excusing or justifying such behaviour. And I don’t believe that we can accept that behaviour without judgement. But that only adds weight to the argument against non-judgemental acceptance. It’s a discussion for another day.

The mindful lie 

However, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. There is a major flaw in the way that many people practice mindfulness, today. They learn just enough to be able to cope with their miserable existence. And then the problems start.

The basic concept of acceptance is that we all have the right to self-determination. Nothing wrong with that. We are not robots. Our intelligence is not artificial. We have freedom of choice in everything we do. Our future really does lie in our own hands.

We also have a responsibility to accept the choices that others make. As parents we only want what’s best for our children. However, as they grow up we start allowing them more and more freedom of choice. And there will be times when, because of our experience, we can see the flaws in their choices and we offer warnings and advice. But the choice is still theirs, and we accept their choices. And, when the consequences fulfil our greatest fears, we are there to support them, if we possibly can. But they may have to accept those consequences, despite our best efforts to protect them.

Entitlement – The greatest lie

The problem with the limited knowledge that many people have, or the limited way that they apply it, is that they have come to believe that acceptance equates with entitlement. “I am entitled to make my own choices and you have to accept it,” is the mindful rallying cry. Or, “I have to accept her choice. She’s entitled to choose that way.”

That’s fine, of course. It leads to greater acceptance and tolerance of the diversity of life as humans.

However, entitlement is a bit of a problem. Let’s take a simple example. There is one candy left in the jar. It is too small to cut in half. Both children are entitled to it. But they have to accept that they can’t both have it.

A more subtle example is that a disabled driver is “entitled” to park in a family parking bay, but woe betide a parent who parks in a disabled bay to prevent her children from denting the adjacent car.

Now let’s look at the more serious aspects of it.

Commendation

One of the side effects of entitlement is the concept of commendation. We have raised a generation of children who rarely receive criticism because, according to the do-gooders, it’s not good for them. “Children need to be praised all the time,” according to some so-called experts. “Never say negative things to your children. It harms their self-esteem.”

How wrong can they be? Correction has its place in our lives, just as commendation does. Additionally, the two go hand in hand. Correction is usually best received after commendation. So we might say, “I like the colours that you’ve chosen for your painting. But did you really need to paint the bedroom wall at the same time?”

Why is this so important? Because, if children do not receive balanced correction and proper critical analysis, we are setting them up for failure and disappointment. As the book, Generation Me, put it, when you hand your boss a bad report he’s not going to say he likes the colour of the paper that you chose to print it. (Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled–And More Miserable Than Ever Before – Paperback – 30 Sep 2014 by PH D Jean M Twenge PH.D.)

So what happens when we turn mindfulness into non-judgemental acceptance and entitlement?

We no longer need prisons. Honestly. We don’t. If we accept all actions without judgement then the mass murderer is just reacting to bad things that happened in his life and we have to accept that. The child abuser is just carrying out his natural instinct and we have to accept it. The wife beater is entitled to be the head of his own house and impose discipline in his way. So we can empty the prisons and turn them into hotels!

And when it comes to commendation, when someone stabs us in the back, we praise them for being able to find a soft spot.

When their drunk driving destroys a life, we praise them for knowing how to steal a car. And, anyway, it wasn’t their fault that the car owner left it unlocked.

When a chief executive steals the company pension pot, we praise him for making it grow so big.

Plus, of course, when a child plays with matches and sets the house on fire, killing half the family, they were only being inquisitive, which is the best way to learn.

Even our own actions come under this self-aggrandizing rule. When we jump off a cliff we are entitled to have the whole universe accept our choice and it has to change the laws of gravity to save us, and then we expect the rest of the world to praise us for our scientific experimentation, instead of rightly ridiculing us for our stupidity.

It’s a lie 

Can we really equate a child flooding the bathroom with a mass murderer? Of course not. But there are too many people, today, who demand preferential treatment just because they expect you and me to accept their choices without judgement, and to praise them for making those unwise choices.

It’s a lie we tell ourselves. We lie to ourselves to pamper our egos in the belief that everything we do is acceptable to us and it should be acceptable to everyone else as well, whether they like it or not; whether it hurts them or not.

Are we really to believe that we can go out of our way to assassinate someone’s character, and they have to accept our choices without judgement, and then they have to commend us for our efforts? Are we really meant to accept that we will be maimed for life without judging the actions of the person who maimed us? Are we to commend the parent whose extreme neglect ruined their children’s lives, just because we are supposed to accept the parents’ choices without judgement?

Forgive and forget

The problem is that this acceptance and tolerance without judgement are based on the concept of forgiving and forgetting.

Actually, forgiveness is the easy part. Forgetting is a little more difficult.

“I’m sorry you had such a poor upbringing. And I forgive you for causing me to lose my legs. But I’ll never forget it. I have to live with it for the rest of my life.“

“I’m sorry that you had such a bad experience. And I forgive you for murdering my child. But I’ll have to live without my child for the rest of my life. “

“I’m sorry that you made a poor choice of marriage mate. And I forgive you for neglecting my grandchildren. But I can’t forget it because my life has been permanently changed now that I am raising your children. Oh. And by the way, I have the daily battle with their attachment issues which were caused by your neglect.”

“I’m sorry that the bartender put his profits ahead of your health needs. And I forgive you for dying when you crashed the car. But I now have to deal with the pain and loss for the rest of my life.”

Mindful lying

Mindfulness is a wonderful concept. Learning to accept our circumstances without judgement is one way to deal with the issues that we face in life. It helps us to maintain our equanimity in the face of trials.

But may we never impose our entitlement on others. May we remember . . . No . . . May we be mindful of the needs of others. May we remember that although the people we hurt may accept it without judgement, and that they may even forgive us, it does not mean that they can forget. They may have to live with the consequences of our actions for the rest of their lives. And they are not going to commend us for that.

Additionally, just because the people we hurt have forgiven us, it does not mean that they will be willing to accept us back into their company any time soon. They are most definitely entitled to protect the interests of their family. And that may mean keeping their distance from us.

So it’s time to stop lying to ourselves. We cannot excuse our actions on the basis of mindful, non-judgemental acceptance on the part of the people we hurt. We cannot condemn those we have hurt, just because they refuse to be reconciled, preferring to keep their distance. Indeed, if it’s time for non-judgemental acceptance, let us accept, without judgement, that we burned the bridge, and the person we hurt has the right to stop us rebuilding it.

Ignorance is Bliss

This is an interesting perspective on what happens when the carer has more knowledge and experience than the professional. Sadly, too many professionals think they know it all. Yet, as mentioned in the article, unless you have lived with a situation, (or your research is extraordinary, and is way above and beyond what is needed to pass exams) you don’t really know it will enough to comment.

Kinship Caring for Beginners

Unless you have lived with, or been, an attachment challenged child you will have great difficulty understanding the needs. This became apparent during a recent consultation with the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. (CAMHS)

There are obvious signs that Jenny suffers from attachment issues and that was the decision of the Autism Panel. We don’t disagree with that decision, even though we are also pursuing a proper assessment for co-morbid autism. We believe that each condition is affecting the other.

During the discussion with the CAMHS doctor I commented that having a full diagnosis of all conditions would help us to know the best way to handle the various challenges without creating a typical spoilt brat.

Aha! I could almost see a flash of light in the doctor’s eyes as she grasped at the psychological straw that I inadvertently held out to her. I have read about this effect…

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Treat or Lunch

Responding to the desperate claims of needing lunch now, we find a quick serve café. The children aren’t interested in the fact that there are no tables for four people. They have to get to the counter to buy their food. The server looks at their sandwich, bag of popcorn, and drink and says, “Wow! You’re […]

via Treat or Lunch — Kinship Caring for Beginners

 

A powerful reminder that food does not mean the same thing to everyone.