The Trouble With Teachers

Coed Morgannwg Way - Small

In fairness to teachers, they mean well. Most of them got into teaching because they want to make a difference in children’s lives. Yet it is amazing how parochial they can be when it comes to parental input.

For example, raising children with attachment issues is difficult enough. Yet you would expect teaching staff to at least be on your side. Do they not understand that you live with the problem, all day, every day; that you have done your research; and that you might, possibly know more about this issue than they do. After all, they get a few hours of seminar and consider themselves to be experts, despite the fact that they can walk away from the issue every afternoon. You, the carer, only have to put up with the resultant behaviour overnight and at weekends. Yeah! Right!

So it was refreshing to read Braveheart Education‘s blog post Social Experiment.

The trouble with teachers is that they did their training years ago. Yes, they have to do regular Continual Professional Development courses. But those courses are only effective if they are currently faced with the issues covered.

You, however, as a carer for a child with attachment issues, are constantly researching the issue and looking for all the latest techniques. Why? Because you know that raising a child with attachment issues requires you to keep ahead of the game; that techniques which work today may not work tomorrow, and you need to keep your toolkit sharp if you are going to succeed.

I urge you to read the article, Social Experiment, and share it with everyone. Let’s try to give these kids a fair chance.

Are You Sure You Want to Share That with the World?

Ducks-As-I-Was-Saying.jpg

In May, 2014, the European Court of Justice decided that Google must offer the right to be forgotten. That decision, however, leads us to ask, “Do you really want to share your history with the world?” It also begs the question, “What does the world really want to see?”

A History of Communication

Let’s take a quick run through the history of sharing.

Communication has always been one of the most important features of human activity. In fact, people are known to have died through a lack of interaction with others. That is why solitary confinement is such a cruel form of torture.

People love to talk. And they will talk about anything and everything. Have you ever looked back on an evening spent with friends? We often describe the conversation as “putting the world to rights,” or some similar local phrase. Yet, if we were to be asked to relate the contents of that evening’s conversations, we would, undoubtedly, struggle to list more than a handful of topics.

Along came the written word, and communication experienced an expansion as people learned to share news with those who live farther afield. Posting letters is an ancient, and valued activity.

When radio and telephone were invented, it was not long before people learned to communicate over the airwaves. They could now pass instant messages to the farthest corners of the globe.

Amateur radio arrived and people started to share personal matters with relative strangers. Yet these were still relatively trusted people. After all, they were a special community of like-minded individuals.

Then Came The Internet

Then came the Internet; or, to be more precise, the electronic bulletin board, used to post messages to people who lived in different time zones.

In its infancy, these were mostly messages of a technical nature posted on university electronic boards. But they soon started to become more personal. This led, of course, to Instant Messaging and Social Networks. Now, people can share their thoughts, knowledge, and experience with anyone and everyone, almost worldwide.

Still, as I mentioned in my post, The Hazards of Social Media, we have to consider any information posted on the Internet as being public, or easy to make public.

Social networks, of course, mean more than just instant short message services. They can include blogs and other forms of personal websites.

Putting Yourself in Danger

Consider some areas where you could put yourself in danger.

Let’s say that you just bought a new music system, TV set, or computer. It is a top-of-the-range model and you are proud of your purchase. So you post photos of these items online for your friends to see.

A few weeks later, you tell your friends that you are going on holiday for two weeks; and the local burglars say, “Thank you for that information.” You come home to find your house cleared of all those nice new items, and several more.

Worse, what if you published an item saying that you were a little concerned about being alone in the house while your mate was away on business. What dangers could you be opening yourself up to, now?

Also, what about those photos that you take on the way home from work, every evening. Do they say, “Look at the route I take from work, every evening. And I walk this lonely path on my own. Come and get me!”

Putting Others in Danger

I have long believed that many parents protect their credit card details better than they protect their children.

How many parents do you know who post photographs of their children on the Internet? Oh, they try to disguise the children by giving them false names. Some people only post the initial letter of the child’s first name. Others will use the pet name that the family uses for the child. You know the sort of entries: “This is my daughter, J;” or “Here is a photo of Princess.”

Now, what is to stop someone with nefarious intent approaching your daughter and saying, “Hello, Princess. Mammy asked me to collect you from school, today.” These parents have given away one of the key safety measures available to the child: “If Mammy sent you, what does she call me?”

Should It Be Shared?

Another area that needs careful consideration is the question of whether an item should be shared with others, anyway.

In my post, What’s with the Selfie? I asked why so many self-portraits make the subject look evil. Is it the latest craze that I have missed? Or do people no longer care what they look like? If you are going to share a photo of yourself, at least try to make it look flattering. Posting photos of yourself looking as if you are the evil twin do nothing for your credibility, and could even lose you your job.

Another type of post that I often wonder about is the sharing of personal experiences, whether happy or sad. Okay, this is more difficult. The entry that says, “Sorry I haven’t been too active, lately. I just found the new love of my life,” is probably on the safe side. But when the writer goes into the details of his blonde hair, blue eyes, and muscular stature, I often wonder just how true the story is. I also wonder whether I really want to now.

The opposite side is, “I’m sorry I haven’t posted much, during the last week, but we had a bereavement in the family.” This is a little more acceptable as it is reaching out for comfort. Yet I still wonder how many people really want to know.

Sharing personal experiences is more about sharing knowledge and wisdom. It is about helping other people to cope with their lives by sharing your story of successfully overcoming your trials and tribulations. It is not about seeking sympathy. So maybe it would be better to write, “I’m sorry I haven’t posted much, during the last week, but we had a bereavement in the family. I’m so glad I have good friends around me. They have been so supportive.”

The Pity Party

Perhaps the worst kind of entry, then, is the pity party, especially when it is accompanied by photos.

I once saw some blog entries, accompanied by photos, updating the world on the progress of someone’s operation. Listen people, these are not photos that I want to see on a public notice board, especially when I’m eating my breakfast! If I want to see the stages of repair and healing I will go to the medical websites. Seeing your stitches, and the resultant scars, is not top of my agenda; and I don’t know many people who do want to see them.

These blog entries also frequently mention the author’s illnesses. Look. I know you want to share your experiences with the world, but if that’s the world you inhabit, then fine. Most normal people really do not sympathize with the “Woe is me!” mentality. Just because you are suffering, there is no need to make the rest of us suffer, too. By all means, share your experiences on websites dedicated to these illnesses; but leave the more public forums alone unless you are going to share the strategy that helped you to successfully deal with the problems.

For example, the Reader here on WordPress makes it possible to select blogs based on key words or phrases. So if I want to interact with people suffering from heart disease, I can. If I want to know how others cope with a child who has autism, I can. If I want to ignore those conversations, I can. Other Social Media sites, however, do not have that luxury. So, if I want to follow a certain person, perhaps because they share information that is important to me, I have to see their lives, warts and all.

To Share or Not To Share

So what am I saying, here? That I cannot control what I read on the Internet? Not really. That I am not interested in people’s petty ailments? No. I am concerned. I have my own health issues and I subscribe to channels that provide news feeds related to those issues. When I find a successful solution to my health issue, I share it in positive terms, telling people how it has helped me and encouraging them to consider whether it would benefit them, too. I do not whinge about every ache or pain that I suffer as a result of my health problems.

What I am saying is that we need to be careful what we share. By sharing personal, often intimate details, we are exposing ourselves, not only to danger of physical or psychological harm, but also to ridicule. There are plenty of obnoxious people out there who will think nothing of ridiculing a sufferer, just for the fun of it.

Worse than that, maybe, is the fact that we could be alienating even our long-trusted friends. These are the very people who could protect us from the ridicule; who would provide a safe haven in times of need. Yet, these trusted friends probably already know about our latest medical episode. So why broadcast it to the whole world?

Don’t get me wrong. There are some instances where sharing such information is invaluable. At times of disaster, the telephone network may be down, but we can still post to our social network pages. A message saying, “I’ve lost everything, but I’m glad to say I’m still alive,” is always welcomed. In fact, after many disasters, it was the amateur radio operators, in times gone by, and the social networkers, in more recent times, that have brought the news to the world.

So, before publishing your most intimate secrets, think about what you are saying. Read through what you have written with the eyes of a stranger; and ask yourself, “If this was about someone else, would I really want to know?”

 

Morality's Compass

So stubborn and rebellious,
Broke almost every rule,
He never got to bed on time,
He acted like a fool.

Proverbially, he was the one
That if he’d have been the first,
There’d be no other children, for,
He really was the worst.

Mixing in bad company,
He made his parents shiver
With thoughts of what those substances
Were doing to his liver.

But then, at last, he met a girl
Who was up to the task;
Who captured both his mind and heart;
Who saw beyond the mask.

They settled down and had some kids
And learned what troubles are;
And wanting, now, to meet their needs,
Began to raise the bar.

And now he knows the daily grind
Of bottles, diapers, meals,
He wouldn’t change it for the world,
Or anything on wheels.

He changed his life and learned respect,
Responsibility.
And though he still likes to have fun,
No more does he run free.

He sits at home, now, of an eve
And contemplates his lot,
And sometimes, yes, he misses it,
The alcohol and pot.

But then he looks into the room,
Sees children fast asleep,
And realises with a smile,
This joy he’d like to keep.

For after all is said and done,
There’s nothing in this life
More precious than the loyal love
Of children and a wife.

**********************************

My last post looked at the sad side of life and parenthood; how disappointing it can be when children don’t acknowledge and act on the wisdom of their parents. It was probably a bit depressing! So I thought it would be nice to look at the other side, this time.

So often, we focus on the bad things in life, but the reality is that, if we look for the good, we will, inevitably find it. Although I lament the mistakes that children make when they ignore their parents’ advice, I am also keen to acknowledge the fact that many young people can turn their lives around. To such young ones I say, “Well done. This poem is a tribute to you; and to your parents, who never gave up hope.”

Pride's Compass

She doesn’t know
The pain we feel when we see
The sadness in her eyes
That ought to shine so bright.

She doesn’t see
The tears we hold back,
The worry that racks our minds
Whether she is near or far.

She doesn’t understand
Why we should be concerned
About her welfare,
About her happiness.

She only feels
The anger deep within
That stems from knowing
She should have listened.

She only knows
That now there’s no way out,
Unless she finds the strength
To accept the help we offer.

And maybe, then, she’ll know
That all we said and all we did,
We did with best intentions,
For her protection and benefit.

She won’t accept
That we could know
The consequences
Of a life thrown away.

So now she cries
An endless stream
Of tears that will not wash
The sorrow from her heart.

She only knows
That there’s no going back.
Her path is set
By pride’s compass.

Looking Good

Donkey

I recently hid my blogs for about a week by making them private. It was a bit of an experiment. I wanted to see what it was like for someone who wants to hide what they are writing. It was an interesting experience.

Of course, some people have private blogs for very good reasons. If you want to keep a journal within easy reach, having it online is probably a good thing, but you also want it to be private, with no one else able to read it except maybe your therapist. Or if you are collaborating on a book, or some other such project, you may want to set up a private blog and grant access only to fellow collaborators.

In addition, there are others, who have valid reasons for hiding their blogs. This is often for their own safety, and nothing in this post is intended to minimise their concerns. If you are worried about your safety, but you still wish to share your experiences with a private online community, then that is your choice. Just remember that anything posted online, even in private, could be made public by well-meaning friends. Still, nothing in this post is meant as criticism of your concerns. Your worries are valid and must be respected and protected.

However, during my brief sojourn in blogosphere obscurity, I realised that some people have a more sinister reason to hide their blog from public view: To make themselves look good. Yes. You read that correctly. They want to make themselves look good. How does that work?

There are several ways to make yourself look good. Let’s examine them.

  1. Make yourself look good. The best way to make yourself look good is to make yourself look good. Yes, I am aware that self-praise is no recommendation and I am not advocating telling everyone how good you are. However, if you act in a good way, dress in a good way, speak in a good way, and generally treat others in a good way, with good manners and a quiet and mild spirit, then you will, automatically look good. It’s not about self-praise and saying, “Hey! Look how good I am.” It’s about modesty and humility, often praising others above yourself.
  2. Make yourself look better than someone else. The second way to look good is to compare yourself, favourably, with someone else. This is the syndrome of saying things like, “Well, yes. He is good. But I’m better.” This is false modesty. It pretends to be complimentary, but only serves to provide a false benchmark for how good the speaker thinks he or she is in comparison. Looking good in comparison with someone else is the second worst way to try to look good.
  3. Criticise someone else. This is the worst way to try to look good. It is born from the speaker knowing how badly they are doing. Maybe, even, their conscience is bothering them because they know that they should be doing the good works that their victim does, but they are not willing to put forth the effort. Or, perhaps, they have acted in an unacceptable manner, and want to hide it, but they have to discredit their victim in order to conceal their own shady behaviour. So, rather than opening themselves up to criticism, they develop a smoke screen in the form of criticising other people; often the people who are trying to help them out. The serious critic may even resort to misinformation and half-truths in order to make their supposed antagonist look bad. (They often do this in the offline world, too.) When valid concerns are raised about their behaviour, they try to divert attention from themselves by telling you how bad someone else is. Then, they elicit sympathy from their so-called “friends” who would immediately dump them if they became victims of such abuse. To repeat, this is the worst way to try looking good.

Of course, having a private blog is essential if you want to criticise someone else. That way, you can block them from reading it and they are not likely to find out what you are saying behind their backs. These are things that you could never say to their faces because you would soon be proved wrong, if you did. Also, having a private blog means that you can hand pick your sympathisers. (For “sympathisers” read crones, not cronies.)

However, let’s be realistic, here. It is not always possible to post something positive about everyone. And, sometimes, it helps to point out failings, if this is done in a tactful way. Be honest, have you ever watched a TV talent show and wondered why the family allowed the contestant to make such a fool of themselves?

Yet the old maxim is still very reliable: If you don’t have anything positive to say, don’t say anything. That does not mean being a doormat; nor does it mean failing to point out someone’s faults; nor does it mean saying nothing. It means finding some positive way to offer constructive criticism.

And that brings us back, nicely, to the best way to look good: Always try to be encouraging and positive. If you must point out an error or failing, do it in a positive, constructive way.

And if you do that, you will have no reason to hide your feelings behind a private blog.